Sancho en La Paz

Hi my loves!

to feel victim to the very sins we so desire to commit,
imprisoned by the very choices we fought for,
choked by the very decisions that God always said were bad ideas,
to slap God in the face,
then to be afraid,
afraid to the bone to turn around,
and see that He has not turned away.
to be victim to not the compassionate one,
but to compassion itself.
to be captivated by not the loving one,
but to love itself.
to be embraced by the shalom,
shalom of God,
and by God we live,
by God live,
to see His glory
to see the beauty of God’s wit
to see the beauty of knowledge in its completion
to be with
to be one with
truth Himself.
to flourish in His perfection, I live. 

Today, I came home from work extremely early because I felt sick.  I don’t know why, but when I’m sick in Bolivia, it is this weird subtle kind of dreadful sick where I just need to be curled up in a ball in a corner covered in blankets.  ’Tis odd, I know.  Anyway, this week, it has been so miserably freezing in La Paz and I shivered myself to sleep while hugging my legs against my chest.  That’s really tough, because I’m in the lowest altitude part of town, meaning that it’s colder everywhere else in the city.  I guess it’s good for mother nature for La Paz not to have implemented a heating system in the homes, but man, it is not fun.

I haven’t written in a while, so I want to be thorough and thoughtful in the things I write today.  I want to mention things that I have always noticed but failed to mention here in my previous entries.  All houses of value have walls built around them with shards of smashed bottle glass lining the top so that no one can climb over and try to rob the place.  There are police here everywhere all the time and I think that contributes to the overall level of safety in the city.  Since it’s “summer” here now, the mountain landscape surrounding us has turned a bit green, which I think is absolutely beautiful.  My feet are so cold right now but I refuse to wear socks because I dislike them.  They make me feel trapped.

It was Valentine’s Day yesterday and that was not fun because last year we already celebrated Bolivia’s day of love so this is round 2 of single awareness day.  My roommate (bless her heart) bought me and Jess (aka the single ones) flowers.  Mind you, I do not usually like flowers, but these are so absolutely gorgeous.  She also went to the alasitas, which is kind of a fair before carnaval (big deal here, all the kids throw water balloons at ANY senorita - thankfully, they have really bad aim because they throw them while driving by in a car and because they suck at aiming) where they sell little miniature objects.  I asked my roommate for a mini bottle of pacena (Bolivian beer), a divorce certificate (that was a joke) and a rooster (also a joke).  The belief is that the rooster will bring you a husband.  For guys, you buy the hens.  Apparently, you buy it for yourself and then gift it to the person of interest, but in this case since Michelle gave it to me, I just have it sit on my table and wait.  The funniest thing is that she got me a huge one (comparatively to the other objects she bought for me) and so now it’s just staring at me and sometimes I can’t go to bed because it’s eyeballs freak me out.  The alasitas thing is kind of controversial in the Christian community in La Paz because you buy the object, bring it over to to the witch doctor who puts a spell on it to actually make it work.  Of course, Michelle skipped over the witch doctor part so…that’s good.

I painted my nails metallic pink and put a bow in my hair yesterday in the attempts to do what I usually do.  Once spring/summer arrives, I will be able to paint my nails in all different fruity colors, which is my favorite favorite thing to do.  I will also purchase some glitter eyeliner and prance around the city before I’m abducted to ann arbor.

Yesterday, I was extremely homesick.  I usually avoid reading the preliminary notes on new incidents we receive in the office.  Except yesterday, I had less work so I read the most recently accepted incident.  Young woman marries young man, young man alcoholic and abusive, and since you can’t really say you got raped by your own husband here (people here get confused by that), she has like 5 or 6 kids with him.  She leaves him, he says he’s changed, she takes him back, etc.  He abuses and eventually rapes one of their daughters.  The mom ignores the abuse and only when she gets raped does she finally go to the police.

I wanted to throw up after having read that.  I was so pissed.  The girl is not even a teenager yet.  She’s a TODDLER.  Humanity is so freaking depraved I hate it so much why are we here.  Even though I want to be informed of the work we do and the people we serve, sometimes I just need to step away because it impacts me far too powerfully and I feel so sick.

This morning I woke up feeling like crap and by mistake I punched Zapatón (one of my teddy bears) and I pressed on the thing that makes sounds by accident and it said, “Te amo, te amo SMOOOCH.”  And it made me feel a million times better.  Encouraging words of love are so important.  When I have children, I want to lift them up with words of encouragement and joy.  And even now, I want to be supportive of people around me by encouraging them and praising them for their good work.

The Jeremy Lin craze is quite amazing.  I always loved sports and I am so, so happy that God is using it as a medium to shed light to His name.  I appreciate how J Lin seems to stand firm in confidence and humility at the same time.  He’s got the magic of God in him!

We’re moving in less than two weeks and I am a bit befuddled by the idea but I think it’ll be good.  I’ll be saving a lot more money to help with other things that I really want to do - give more generously and buy gifts for the people I care about.  

There was a pastor’s retreat on justice organized by IJM and I absolutely had an amazing time.  Unfortunately, I have 20 mosquito bites all over my body, but it is cool.  Being by a rushing river and in a mountain jungle was very fun.  I really dislike nature, but I love the retreat vibe.  I hope to go on one when I get back home.

I dread the thought of being boring/bored.  I also love how God’s been moving in my life on a personal level with Him.  His love overwhelms, doesn’t it?  I am so distracted so often, but He is faithful and patient with me always.  I think we might be going out tonight, which is weird ‘cause I haven’t partied in quite some time.  But it’s our friend’s birthday, so we must pawty it up.  Must sleep off my pain so I can go do that. 

My homesickness was demonstrated in psychotic behavior yesterday, which is cool because I really got to express myself.  I remember my GUY friends telling me that I whine and so my life mission has been to not be whiny.  But yesterday, I flew free and just whined my heart out and my voice went 10 octaves higher (nowhere near hayoung’s though) and I was hugging walls and clawing at people.  Yep. BE FREE.

Love you!

We’re moving out of our amazing apartment!  We’ve found much cheaper places to say, plural because we are living in separate places.  I don’t have the energy to write down full thoughts, but I’ll do that later.  A little over 2 more months in La Paz.  Time is so fast and yet so slow. :)

Today, I took a little walk with the Lord.  He showed me things, made me listen to things, had me do some things.  I lost and I gained and I came home, prepared some food and sat by the window of my bedroom and saw a beautiful, beautiful rainbow in the sky.  It hadn’t even rained!  And I just KNOW, He is with me RIGHT NOW.  That he SMILES down on me and He LOVES me and is SO PROUD OF ME.  That’s all that matters to me.  Praise His name.

As pictures usually go, it was way more beautiful than what it looks like here.  I also almost dropped my laptop from the window while taking this. Yay for me.

Yesterday, my boss told me to make phone calls.  Here is the problem with this request.  First of all, I do not like phone calls.  I find them extremely confrontational for reasons I do not understand.  I do not like how you’re talking to someone but you can’t see their face so you can’t read what they’re thinking or feeling or any of the passive-aggressiveness that could be lurking in there.  Secondly, they were not fun phone calls.  I had to call families letting them know that their cases have been closed (not because of a sentence) or that a referenced incident was rejected due to lack of evidence or credibility or whatever.  In any case, I just don’t want to do them.  I say don’t because I still haven’t called 3 of the 4 people I’ve had to call.  I’m going to wait until Monday.  And I realize that I am probably doing a bad thing by not letting them know sooner rather than later but it’s just sometimes too difficult.  I have other reasons that make my cowardice more valid but I won’t try to defend myself in this situation.

We may move out of our apartment before our lease is up because our 4th roommate moved out and it’s too expensive for us.  So, that would be complicated but it would be a change of scenery which would be nice to have anyway.  Right now, we’re living in the nicest part of town - like a suburban part which I don’t really enjoy because I don’t like surburbia.  I like my skyscrapers.

I have nutella in my cupboard and I know I must stay away from it but I’m going to exercise anyway so why not.  It was so sunny but now it’s getting cloudier and that’s not good because I would really like to go grocery shopping because I am without food.  I’m going to go to the Korean mart and it’s going to be glorious because I want some jook.  And I really will find kimchi, even if it has to be nasty canned kimchi.

What has God been teaching me lately?  The futility of human efforts. and human ingenuity.  I like to do research and I also enjoy being obsessive about things coming up ahead.  So of course I spent 5 hours the other day researching the mega law firms in the States, the types of practices, the amount of pro bono hours that can be used as billable hours, etc.  Thinking about whether or not I’m going to go into government or do corporate law or public interest.  Trying to decide whether I wanted to figure out a way to live in Barcelona or stay put in NY and try to be the least bitchiest person in the most stressful place or go to Boston and work hard but be around people who are nicer or go to LA and eat yummy salads under the sun in cafes and do entertainment law or just be boring and do legal research at a university and teach eventually or what.

MY CONCLUSION IS very unsatisfying to most in that IT DOESN’T MATTER.  And in fact, I will probably do something quite boring.  Because everything I’ve done has always been quite mainstream and normal, to me at least.  YES, I would study abroad because everyone does, except I’m going to be obsessive about it and do it for a year.  YES, I would go abroad to intern for IJM but not for a summer but a year because I am obsessive about seeing new things so I overcommit in terms of time.  I just do common things to the extreme, is what I think.  So, I will I WILL be boring and probably do something mainstream but I will do it obsessively (hopefully in a good way) and it’ll be okay.  Because it’s not about what I do.  It’s more about who I am.  And I AM a vessel to be used in all kinds of places.  But my heart is in NY and I do like pressure.  But maybe law school will teach me that to live LIFE, I will need to not be a career woman in a super stressful and expensive city.  No, but I will end up there.  THOUGHTS WITH NO VALUE.  ALL MUSINGS.  It’s how you package the idea, isn’t it?  Let God lead.  I know where my inclinations are.  I know my hearts tugs.  And if my future husband says, well we’re going to ______, it kind of all kills all this doesn’t it.

My third (and final) trip to Arica was very interesting.  I attended the Congreso de los 7 Montes held by la Comunidad Cristiana en Arica church, where all of my Chilean friends attend church.  It was so good to see them and it was a surprise for me to be there (even for myself, since that morning I was so tired I had to talk myself into going for 30 minutes).  The bus fares were a lot higher than they were last year, probably because all the Bolivians are enjoying vacation there during this hot season.  I was bombarded with hugging and side-cheek kissing and all that stuff that I still don’t really enjoy.  I’ve learned that I kind of stick my butt out when people hug/kiss me so I maintain the distance that I desire but am naturally denied by the rule of culture.

I was a little bit uncomfortable with the atmosphere of the conference, mostly because I come from a Presbyterian background and Hillsong is still kind of a respectful kind of charismatic (if I may say so).  The speaker from Spain seemed to be really concerned about money while saying money wasn’t what he wanted to talk about…but that was mostly all he ever talked about.  He made weird comments about Jewish people and made jokes about black people and it reminded me of how much I hated some aspects of Spain and why.  I guess culturally it’s different.  People call each other by their defining characteristic, “chinita,” “gordita,” “negrita” whatever.  I still think it’s wrong and it’s something I refuse to accept.  Culture should submit to God, not the other way around.

I super enjoyed driving by the big beautiful ocean.  I love the ocean and I think one thing that really makes me sad is that Bolivia is landlocked because the surrounding countries stole its access to the ocean.  I think it’s in the Bolivian constitution, to fight its way back to gaining access to the ocean.  Which is awesome.

On Sunday after church, I went to my friend José’s house to have lunch with his friends and family.  It was super fun, except that I get quieter when I don’t know people and even quieter when it is more than 2 people in the same space and even quieter when they speak Spanish.  I think it made clear how socially crippled I can be.  And I was stressed about not being able to find a ticket to go back to La Paz on Monday because all of my Bolivian friends were saying they were all sold out.  Also, with my funky visa situation, I didn’t know if they’d reject me at the border so I was silently freaking out about that as well.  And I freak out quite often.  So yea.  There was meat on the pasta and even though I pick meat out of everything now (I decided to maintain my strict rules of not eating meat and not drinking carbonated drinks while in NYC), I ate it out of respect so I felt like I lost something in a weird way.  Oh well.

The head pastor of the church motioned me over during service and told me that God told him to tell me that I was beautiful in His sight, that I didn’t have to compare myself with other people nor be ashamed of my background, origin, parents, etc.  Part of me was like, stop being racist, just because I’m the only Asian in the conference.  Another part of me was like, yea, I do seem to be very self-conscious about a lot of things.  I mean, I’m the kind of person who is always trying not to lose face with people I don’t know.  With THIB and my closest friends, I really don’t care.  I am clumsy, needy, annoying, sometimes thoughtless, etc.  But, for example, when I am with one of my non-Asian friends, I don’t want to bombard them with too many of my Asian references, or introduce them to too many of my Asian friends for fear of making them uncomfortable.  I guess I hate discomfort so much that I try to have everyone else around me avoid it as well.  That’s one of the reasons why I hate confrontation.  I hate feelings because that makes people uncomfortable.  I hate criticism because that’s also uncomfortable.  My deep desire is to be comfortable in all sorts of everything but it’s not as easy as I want it to be.  I think i realized this “saving face” was a huge problem when I was like ASHAMED to take out my prayer notebook and my pen because both of them were from Guatemala and they were fruity and to me that clashed and I needed a nice normal micro-point pent to balance out the fruity orange weaved notebook.  Or like a nice leather-bound weathered notebook to go with the woven blue Guatemala pen with strings sprouting from its end.  Like, what is wrong with me?  What does it matter?  How sad I am.  Because in reality I do love being Korean.  I think.

But I think I really need to seek beauty in Christ, which is why my cousin gave me Psalm 139 as the guiding word for my time in Bolivia.  One of the reasons why I turn away from people even while talking and can’t maintain eye contact and look to the ground when I speak is because I’m ashamed.  I fear that they’ll see in me something they don’t like, because you see things when you look into someone’s eyes.  And every day it is a battle to make and maintain eye contact with people when I talk to them.  Some people who get to know me say I seem stand-offish and indifferent, but in reality it’s just me battling my anxiety of rejection.  I wonder how this came to be.  Maybe it’s because all the guys who took interest in me were creepy people who molested me on subways/buses/libraries or guys who loved the game of trying to “figure me out” which I knew would only lead them to find out that I am like any other girl and very common.

One of the reasons I really like writing is because I can express things that in person I would never be able to say.  I keep distance with a lot of people because in reality I fear how if they detach themselves from me I’d be so devastated but I wouldn’t be able to say anything so I’d just cry in my room and sleep it off.

But the creator has called me beautiful, so I must believe it.  To think otherwise would be to offend God and I don’t want to do that.  In the end, you love people who you love.  My friends aren’t perfect, but they’re perfect for me because we’ve shaped each other and learned each other’s languages.

While in the Arica hotel room crying by myself, I learned that I tend to feel alone because I choose to be alone.  If I would just reach out and love on people and trust that God would reveal His love to me through LIFE on a daily basis, I wouldn’t be so crippled in fear and anxiety.  I was on the bed all hopeless when I remembered my dear friend David from Hillsong gave me 2 CD’s to help me through hard times in Bolivia.  I listened to all the sermons he sent to me, and I FELT SO FREE.  I FELT SO MUCH HOPE.  OCCUPY ALL STREETS. CHURCH IN THE WILD.  WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.  I just felt like God was comforting me through the entire process: the Word of God within the word of the pastors from God, the act of my friend BURNING THE CDS FOR ME, the act of my other friend Valerie DELIVERING the discs to me, the act of my sister trading iPods with me so I could have space to put the CDs and music on there, just EVERYTHING.  He was there with me and He’s with me now.  He has called me to do great things for His glory and if I grow weary, He will COMFORT me and give me REST, to recharge me to be the LIGHT of the world.  I felt SO AT PEACE I slept like a happy baby.  Just a major heart of deep, deep genuine thankfulness to ALL of God’s people in my life.

I truly do not know what the future holds, but I do know that there is much work to be done and anything that’s worth it is always going to be difficult.  I will be transformed.

And I will be careful where I sit and what I lean on because I brought jackets home and my mom saw/smelled them and was utterly disgusted by my lack of ladylike cleanliness.  Oops.

So, I am back here.  I’m not sure why, but I am.  O yea, I have work to do here.  Who would’ve thought?  Anyway, God’s fun little miracle today:  I stepped into El Alto airport wondering how they were going to look upon my passport filled with visas and visa extensions, the fact that I only have 7 days left on my tourist visa…Anyway, the Migration officer looked at my tourist visa from Arica and stamped me in for another 90 days.  WHY?  I don’t know, but that’s God’s miracle of putting to rest the issue of applying for another tourist visa (probably would’ve gotten rejected because everyone working for Bolivia’s Migration office hates my guts).  Praise God for life’s randomness!

I was going to write this 5 hours ago, around the time I started unpacking.  At that point, I was in a really thankful and amazing mood, so I probably would’ve written an awesomely inspiring entry, but my mood has changed.  After having unpacked and showered and repacked for Arica, I realized how alone I was.  Michelle’s in Texas until the end of January.  Ben’s coming back tomorrow but I’m leaving for Arica.  Jessica is in Arica and I’ll see her there, but I just feel really lonely here right now.  I think New York’s busy chaos comforts me.  Also because all my family and most of my closest friends are in New York and I had the BEST time with them there.  Now I’m here again.

But tomorrow I’ll be around people I love in a city I absolutely adore, so I should be good.  I hate the fact that my heart is so all over the place so often.  And I also hate the fact that when people don’t respond to me, I sense a great deal of anxiety.  And when people I care about immensely treat me like just another person, I get very upset.  As you can tell, I am alone so I’m drowning in vulnerability.

4 more months.  For the kids of Bolivia who need the helping hand.  For the moms who suffer under the hand of these violent drunkards.  If nothing else, I will settle here for the next 4 months just to pray.  For God’s hand to sweep over this place with gentle love and firm justice.

I may have to sleep with the light on tonight.  Sorry Mother Earth.  I’ll do better tomorrow.

Dear God,

Thank you.  I do not KNOW how to BEGIN to express how to THANK YOU for ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE AND KEEP DOING IN MY LIFE.  For who you are.  You are so amazing.  Thank you for my FAMILY.  They are so cute, so awesome.  My sisters are so beautiful and sweet.  My mom, who’s working on Christmas Eve to make some extra cash to give me when I go back to Bolivia.  My dad, who hears me wake up and wakes up with me to heat the kimchi jjigae for me because he knows if not, I would just eat it cold.  My baby sis who wakes up at 11:47 with the Justin Bieber Christmas in her hand, ready to open it and play.  Joanne, my sis who asks me, sorry unni, I’m gonna sleep in the middle and I’m going to snore, can you be nice (‘cause I usually block her nose and start shoving her to stop, lol)?  We sat last night and chatted about fun things and traumatic things until 3 in the morning.

Thank you for my friends.  So far, I’ve seen Daniel Oh, Thomas Jeon, Seongwoo Byun, Kyusun Chung, Ann Yang, Sarah Wang, Jennifer Chang…I will see so many of my Hillsong NYC family members today at Christmas Eve service.  Thank you GOD for letting me serve the Sunday I fly back home.  What a blessing! :) Thank you for all the friends I’ve seen and will be seeing soon.

So even though I’m sick and my nose is running like a leaking faucet and my stomach hurts so I’m doubled over the sofa writing this, I AM SO THANKFUL.  Because everything in this world, especially the people placed around me, makes the things not so good not very relevant.

I am so thankful for THIB.  Ann, JChang, and I were at Urban Outfitters cracking jokes and being silly while trying to pick out a wallet for Fommy (Ann).  I pray for Hayoung, that she have an AMAZING time in Turkey.  I just realized she gave up Christmas with family and friends to spread the good news to people in Turkey, and I also realize that that’s okay because she loves that beautiful sacrifice made.

My sister just turned on the Justin Bieber album.  YAY!  I am thankful for the box of Asian pears because I will eat them.  I am thankful that I have seen my dad drunk only once the past 3 days, and I have this weird feeling that the money he keeps giving me to go out is the money he’s NOT using for alcohol.  So, I am eternally touched and wanting to cry.

I am thankful for my cousin’s stash of clothes she donated to us.  I have found some super delightful cardigans and a very cute bag.  So, I don’t have to go shopping, so that’s good.  I am thankful for things happening with such ease.  When we realize how important friendships and relationships are, the logistical things in life just seem to work out.  At least in this season of my life.

SO THANKFUL FOR LOVE. NEW YORK HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO MY THE PAST 3 DAYS.  I do wish the tourists would leave ‘cause it’s so hard to walk on the sidewalk, but it’s cool. GOD IS GOOD.  I started swearing again, my potty mouth is back, and my sarcasm is revamped.  All things for me to be proud of, in a weird way.

Talked about boys with my sister.  She convicted me about something.  Saying, I see how disappointed you are when he doesn’t attend to you, it’s not good.  I didn’t realize.  Must regain focus.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE EVERYONE! :) :)

Today, I went with my boss’s family to El Alto, the city right by La Paz.  It is the fastest growing city in Latin America and it’s definitely still in a state of development.  I went to Casa Esperanza, a place for prostitutes to leave their past lives and start a trade - to have kids have a place to learn and play in a safe environment.  We put the food together and helped carry out the games for the kids.  It was so fun and amazing.

I love how the kids were running around and putting in their all during these games.  I loved how they were so happy with the food they received and chomped it down with glee.  I was so thankful that God gave us relationships to be able to GIVE and SERVE each other.

And I was so happy to be able to spend time with my boss’s kids.  I absolutely love them and adore them dearly.  They are SO CUTE and so sweet.

On Thursday and Friday, our office had a spiritual retreat and we had SO MUCH FUN.  I never laughed and ran around like that since like, junior high school.  We were screaming and batting each other with rolled up newspapers, trying to pop each other’s balloons hanging from our backs.  It was SO FUN.  And I was just so thankful.  God is so faithful and FUN.  He is INFINITE so He is never boring. WE are boring.

We are blessed to be a blessing.  We are loved simply because Christ is love.  And if we are to be more like him, we must love, always look outwards.  We did Secret Santa in the office and the administrator (my dear friend) bought me this:

I still haven’t thought of a name for her.  She is Arico’s love interest.  I want to name her Osoncita…maybe.  Ideas, anyone?  I love teddy bears, god, playing with this thing for weeks. How old am I again?

Praise God, because He is faithful and He is LOVING.  And He is PATIENT.  He hates sin, not us.